By Katia Vlachos, reinvention coach and the author of Uncaged: A Good Girl’s Journey to Reinvention.
Ten years ago, I was standing in my spotless, sunlit kitchen, coffee in hand, looking back at a life that checked all the boxes: academic accomplishments, a beautiful family, a lovely home. Everything looked exactly as it should. Yet inside, something felt ‘off’. I felt empty.
In coaching we call this ‘off’ feeling dissonance. It arises when our core values – what’s important to us – and the way we actually lead our life are misaligned.
I had spent most of my adult life going after the things I was told would make me happy: the status, the validation, the gold stars. And for a while, they worked. Each bit of praise brought me a sense of worthiness, a dopamine hit. But eventually, the emptiness always crept back in. I wasn’t unhappy. But I wasn’t truly happy either.
I’d confused approval with accomplishment. So many of us do. We mistake external validation for internal fulfillment. But true, lasting happiness doesn’t come from others telling us we’re doing well; it comes from living in a way that feels meaningful and aligned with what truly matters.
Approval vs. accomplishment: what’s the difference?
To be clear: approval is not the problem. We all want to be seen and appreciated. But relying on external validation as our main fuel doesn’t work. Approval is often inconsistent – and beyond our control. If we depend on it, we end up stuck in a loop, molding ourselves to please others, always chasing the next dopamine hit.
To feel grounded and truly fulfilled, we need something else. We need a particular kind of accomplishment. Not just crossing off goals, but doing work that resonates deeply with who we are. Real accomplishment comes from alignment: from honoring our values and doing things that matter, whether or not anyone’s clapping.
And while we need both approval and accomplishment, the secret to lasting happiness lies in learning how to centre our life around accomplishment aligned with a sense of purpose – not just external validation.
Why purpose-driven accomplishment makes us happier
So why does meaningful accomplishment matter so much for our happiness?
Having a sense of purpose enhances mental and emotional well-being. Studies have consistently shown that individuals with a strong sense of purpose report higher levels of life satisfaction, optimism, and psychological well-being.
It supports resilience through life’s challenges. When life gets hard, people who feel connected to a greater sense of purpose are better equipped to bounce back. Purpose is their anchor: when you know why you’re doing what you’re doing, you can weather the storms.
It strengthens connection. A sense of purpose often involves being of service, contributing to something beyond yourself. And that drives deeper connection. When we’re connected to something meaningful – and to each other – we thrive.
How to connect to real accomplishment
Authentic accomplishment isn’t something you stumble upon one day in a big “aha” moment. It’s something you build – day by day, with the choices you make. So how do you start?
1. Get clear on your values
Your deepest accomplishments will reflect what you care about. Is it freedom? Justice? Creativity? Connection? Growth? Articulating your values is the first step in connecting to your purpose and authentic success. If your life doesn’t reflect your values, you’re going to feel ‘off’, no matter how much praise you’re getting.
2. Follow what energizes you
Look for patterns. What tasks, conversations, or environments make you feel alive? What kinds of people or projects do you lose yourself in (in the best way)? That energy is your compass.
3. Experiment with small, aligned choices
You don’t have to burn down your life to realign. You can begin by saying no to what’s performative, and yes to what feels real. Aligning your life with your true accomplishments doesn’t happen overnight, but every step matters.
Also (very important) accomplishment doesn’t have to be something grand to be purposeful. It can be showing up fully in your relationships – your family, friends, team, or community. It can be taking care of yourself in a way you’ve long neglected.
Finally, it’s okay if your definition of accomplishment evolves. In fact, it should.
Living a life that feels real (not just one that’s applauded)
Here’s the truth I had to learn the hard way: A life that earns applause but doesn’t feel yours is a life out of alignment. When you start clarifying and prioritizing your real purpose, things begin to shift. You stop needing to be approved of. You stop performing. You start making choices that feel like you – choices driven by a deep sense of ‘why’, not just a desire to be liked.
You don’t have to have it all figured out overnight. But you do need to start paying attention. To what feels real vs. what feels forced. To what energizes you, and what drains you. And then – step by step, choice by choice – you start building a life that isn’t just admired, but one that’s aligned.
Final Thoughts
- If you stopped trying to be impressive – and instead tried to be true – what would change in your life?
- Would you be doing what you’re doing now?
- Would you be where you are, or with who you’re with?
- Would your days look the same?
Maybe it’s time to stop chasing applause and start building something more sustainable. Less performative, but more real. In that, you just might find the kind of happiness that lasts.
About the Expert
Katia Vlachos is a reinvention coach and the author of Uncaged: A Good Girl’s Journey to Reinvention. Find out more at www.katiavlachos.com
